Lawdy!

Meanwhile, the sprawling, union-hall-sized place was so perfectly empty that there was plenty of time for the barkeep (no, not Hank, who after all is a mean old bastard, but Rick, who's not only a former Air Force man, but he's also in grad school, and if there's one thing I love more than an Irish bartender, it's one who's getting his master's) to come out from behind the bar and glide me gracefully around the floor. I believe our song was the theme from Love Boat. Somebody do me a favor and marry that man! Anna-whose juicy tacos are Long Beach's best-kept secret because, hell, it's scary to order food through a window in a time warp of a bar-came out from her kitchen and laughed her ass off. Why? Because Wink Mussleman and His Quartet of Shame are completely retarded. Do, do, do! do yourself a favor, and don't miss Wink's Happy Birthday Jesus Christacular on Dec. 19 at Java Lanes! I'll be the one swooning.

Lastly, I'd like to take a moment to wish a happy holiday to all our big Jew friends, and we hope to see you all Sunday at the Foothill for the très-punk A Very Fauntleroy Hanukkah. They're retarded, and they wear knickers! Nazis, stay home.