By Daniel Kohn
By Imade Nibokun
By Arrissia Owen
By Lilledeshan Bose
By Sarah Bennett
By Adam Lovinus
By Jena Ardell
By Nate Jackson
Hey! Look what we went and did! We actually put the bong down long enough to pick through our enormous, bulging music stash and compile a CD of some of OC's best unsigned and indie bands, plus a few from Long Beach, which we long ago adopted.
Want a copy? Of course you do! So, rather than sell these out of the trunk of our car for 50 bucks apiece, we decided to be nice and give them away-that means they're free! Go get a copy of the OC Weekly, flip to page 28, clip out the coupon, take it to one of the fine retail establishments listed there, and you've got yourselves 66 minutes of some of the sweetest love-makin' moozik ever slapped together-21 of the HOTTEST HITS of the '90s, by the ORIGINAL ARTISTS, many of which have NEVER BEEN RELEASED, all in CRYSTAL-CLEAR DIGITAL SOUND! And if you order within the NEXT 30 MINUTES, we'll throw in this jar of PALM-HAIR-REMOVAL CREAM for NO EXTRA CHARGE!!!
But really, why shell out perfectly good money for warmed-over swill like that U2 greatest-hits rip-off disc-most of the songs you probably already have anyway-when there are 21 sickly, malnourished local bands on our free, FREE CD (have we mentioned that it's free?) who cry out desperately for your love and affection? Uh-oh . . . make that 19 bands. Two have already broken up! See what happens when you don't act fast enough?
Just so you know what you're getting (for free, by the way), we offer a track-by-track breakdown of Localer Than Ever!, with our superspecial Lyric-Quote-O-Ramas (LQOR) popping up every now and then:
TRACK 1-Tub, "Coaster"
Sweet, singing feedback sounds slink their way toward an orgy, where they shoot their wad of savage guitar terror! Jeez-we oughta write movie-ad copy with sentences like that! Anyway, Tub just might be our favorite band, a pretty scary thing to admit since we've only heard about six of their tunes, including the five on their stupendous White Over Purple EP (dig up a copy; thank us later), which made us instant converts to their Replacements-like riffing. But they're great, and happily, they were nice enough to loan us this preview cut from their Coffee Tea Soda Pop Pee full-length album, which is now scheduled for a January release. LQOR: "I've been jaded/I'm overrated/I know she thinks I'm a dick."
Contact: (323) 957-2000.
TRACK 2-Mention, "Reveal"
A Long Beach band, but we still let them on here. And Mention deserve to be, seeing as they play a wicked mix of soul and pop, along with groovy, Dead-like jams that somehow don't reek of patchouli oil. "Reveal," a track from their cheapo-but-superb Mambo Sessions CD, is a prime example: it pops, cracks and zings, and it makes our nipples perky. LQOR: "Then after 8/I pin you down/I watched your head/Spin round and round."
Contact: (800) 903-9566.
TRACK 3-Big Saver, "Welcome Back to TV"
We're 99.9 percent sure this is about Shelley Long, with its references to an unnamed actress who was "igniting NBC every Thursday night," got a swelled head, decided she wanted to be a movie star, bombed pathetically, and went crawling back to the tube life. Our second guess would have been David Caruso, but we think our first stab is pretty accurate. Regardless, we thoroughly enjoyed this poppy South County band's slam against somebody because we hate celebrity culture with a deeply ingrained passion. By the way, they're desperately searching for a drummer. LQOR: "So you walked into those studios like you were on a mission/But the critics said you weren't exactly nuclear fission."
Contact: (714) 744-3275.
TRACK 4-Peace Corp., "Mosh Pit"
One of many pristine tunes from Peace Corp.'s self-titled CD that came out in September, "Mosh Pit" is a welcome, snotty editorial comment built around a midlife-crisis sufferer who walks into a bar where a punk band's playing. He, of course, gets stomped on by a bunch of inbred youths who think they invented slamming last week. For more on Peace Corp., click over to the "Pissed Corp."story.
Contact: (949) 548-9887.
TRACK 5-Smear, "You Could Be a Star"
Straight from the streets of Brea-where we used to work way back when, and where cultural enlightenment only happened when the local video store changed their policy to allow customers to rent up to eight porno tapes instead of four-Smear are a bunch of horny goofballs who write songs about their genitalia, urine drinking, shit eating, bondage, dominance, spanking and pedophilia: your typical Celine Dion-type stuff. "You Could Be a Star," a sweet reminiscence about growing up in the '70s, is one of their most toned-down tunes, though, to the point where it even sounds like a friendly, Top 40 hit, even with lines like "I go and run around/ With my pecker out/And everyone's just standing there amazed." Yeah, they wish.
Contact: (714) 804-5603.
TRACK 6-Overbored, "I Got a Honda"
Spastic singer Mike Merickel's nasal whine is a dead-ringer for Jello Biafra's, which might be why we appreciated this track from their well-done All for Effect CD so much when it arrived with our mail a year or so ago. Depending on your POV, "I Got a Honda" (next line: "And I think it's a Ferrari") is either about people who think green hair and pierced tits are an expression of individuality these days when all they're doing is just copying everybody else or about Rodney King. You figure it out. This is the point where our disc gets closest to straight-ahead punk terrain-for those who need to know such nonsense.