By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
18. Jan Crouch's breasts
Flipping channels on a recent Sunday evening, one couldn't help but pause on Trinity Broadcasting Network, where Jan Crouch appeared, complete with pink cotton candy hair, raccoon eyes and HUGE BREAST IMPLANTS! Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! We almost threw up our lasagna! Our roommate had to pull the fork from the bloody mess that used to be our eye sockets. Isn't it so nice to know that some of that money that the Crouches receive from little old ladies' pensions may have helped create her voluptuous, supple bosom and a tacky Carvel wedding cake of a holy temple in Costa Mesa? She's older than rocks and was obviously proud of her gravity-defying sweater puppies. She wore an alluring, tight, crushed-velvet, low-cut blouse to show off those San Onofre reactors pointing straight up to the good Lord. Her face looked haggard-as usual-as those non-pagan pyramids protruded from her frail, grisly frame. One has to wonder what she looks like topless. Uh, on second thought, scratch that. Only a couple of months ago, while tuning in Praise the Lord, Crouch had grandma-sized, drooping-toward-Satan flesh islands (which, along with the rest of her, ranked No. 16 last year). Perhaps her renovated rack was budgeted into the new TBN headquarters' construction costs. MITIGATING FACTOR: If it wasn't a boob job, she must've been wearing one of those new Pray for a Miracle bras!
19. Vangi Oberschlake
Green Party activist. Greens are a well-meaning bunch who, especially in Orange County, fight daily an uphill battle on par with Hannibal. So we have no problem with Oberschlake's heart or mind. It's her mouth. It tends to be in-your-face, moving rapidly, constantly pounding you, holding you, allowing neither interruptions nor graceful exits, talking about this well-meaning cause and that well-intentioned rally-and she doesn't stop, really; she just keeps talking, and though you nod, you are screaming inside, "Please, God, set fire to my head so I may excuse myself," but you realize that even if the Almighty were to take mercy upon you, it would only allow Oberschlake to lecture you on the devastating effects of wildfires and of the group's position paper on that very subject and why is it that the Greens don't get more media coverage, and why aren't you writing any of this down? . . . MITIGATING FACTOR: She's usually right.
20. Larry Bowa
Coach for the Anaheim Angels. He'd like once again to be a big-league manager, a post he held with the San Diego Padres from 1987 to 1988. But general managers are reportedly hesitant to call him, concerned about what Bowa's legendary "intensity" (read: temper) would do to their clubhouses. It's ironic since Bowa's all-out attitude was responsible for making him one of the best shortstops of the last quarter century. Playing mostly with Philadelphia, he not only battled the media but also managers and teammates. That was okay, since he was also the leading National League shortstop in fielding six times and was named to five All-Star teams. But as the Padres' manager, he once yelled at his players: "There are three or four of you; you can get the hell out of here any time you want!" He has the distinction of being the only manager ever thrown out of a game for mocking the way an umpire walked. That might have been overlooked, except that San Diego had a .389 winning percentage (or put another way, a .611 losing percentage) under him. Today, there's talk Bowa is mellowing, but it's in comparative terms. He remains baseball's most aggressive third-base coach, sending runners home in just about any situation. He engaged in at least one yelling match last season with center fielder Jim Edmonds, whose relaxed manner is the antithesis of Bowa's. Before an August game against Cleveland, Bowa reportedly shouted at Edmonds, "I'm tired of your [act]!" (How's that for a snappy Reg quote?) Unfortunately for Bowa, general managers may feel the same way about him. MITIGATING FACTOR: Though too intense for big leagues, he'd fit right in managing Little League.
21. Matthew Fertal
Director of the Agency for Community Development (ACD). An entire institution given over to mayhem! Garden Grove's ACD works like a reverse Habitat for Humanity: instead of sending workers into poor neighborhoods to hammer together homes for the neediest among us, the ACD sends bulldozers, evicts the poor, and sells off the vacant land to developers for major projects to raise tax revenue to pay off the bonds that funded the bulldozers! Diabolical! MITIGATING FACTOR: Gary Hunt ('97's Scary Person No. 4) has not left the Irvine Co. to become the ACD's vice president.
22. SOCCCD meetings
Otherwise known as public meetings of the South Orange County Community College District. And we're not even talking about silent-but-deadly trustee Steven J. Frogue. We're talking about the people who come to see him, to defend or attack him. Like the guy who called an opponent in the audience "subhuman" and "a lower life form." Or the guy who singled out someone else as "a self-admitted Hitler-lover." Or these creative epithets we hesitate to publish in a family newspaper but will anyway since we don't work for one: "convicted child-molest offender," "pervert," "garbage-mouthed idiot," "piece of garbage," "nuts case," "sweathog," "toad," "fruitscake," "no, you're the fruitcake," "most unpleasant man" and "creep." MITIGATING FACTOR: When the Green Party finally takes power and destroys all televisions as a source of violence, greed and evil, we'll still have the South Orange County Community College District's board meetings.